My Life

Lost Time

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I’m slowly making progress on my craft room. It’s going to take me several months to get it done. 😦  This is a scan of some rubber stamp elements I found in a box while I was organizing. I forgot I had them. They’re still on the backing paper from running them through my Xyron. The boat and plane are from Club Stamp. The moths… I’m not sure. I am pretty sure they are from Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers, but they might be from Club Stamp. It is bittersweet to look at them. I’ve found lots of old unfinished projects. I’ve found unfinished scrapbook pages from 15 years or so ago. That’s pretty sad.

Looking at the large amount of space between the elements is a great metaphor for the past 15 years. There are so many gaps in my life. It hurts to think of all the lost time and memories that are a result of dealing with depression. There were a few sweet highlights. So many weeks and months were lost because I was not fully functional. I hurt for my kids, I hurt for me, and I hurt for the so many other people who suffer from this illness. Most of my depression, the dysthymia, I think, came from hormones or postmenopause. I’ve only had two severe depressive episodes, the last of which took me a few years to completely recover from. That was two too many. I rarely have even dysthymic episodes anymore. That’s why I think it came from the hormonal issues. It stole a lot of time and memories from me, though. I can never get that time back. Sometimes I think about it and it greatly pains me to think about. I can’t bring back that time so I shouldn’t dwell on it. Even though I’m fighting a wave of depression right now, I’m trying to force myself to do things and have good conversations and experiences with my children. It’s hard. I am not getting as much done as I do when I’m not depressed or anxious. At least, the progress I’m making on this room is giving me hope. I plan on catching up with all my unfinished scrapbook, and other craft, projects. I hope I can remember what was going on in all the photographs. I also have to organize all my photographs. That will be a huge undertaking.

With this huge organization project (it feels like I’m moving even though I’m in the same house) and starting the new semester of school, I haven’t been blogging. I think about things to say, but I don’t get the photos taken and take the time to sit down and write. Once I get things a little bit under control here, I plan to be better. I’ve had lots of fun cooking adventures and things I’ve put together for Nursery that I want to share.

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